Aesoph Group

By Christopher Aesoph, MA

          Sometimes I get frustrated with how people behave, or with what they say, or with their attitude. At one time or another, I’ve wanted to thump every client I’ve ever had over the head, naturally the goal being to knock some sense into them. The few times I’ve been foolhardy enough to try this method of intervention, it didn’t go well, which isn’t too surprising, and thank goodness my clients are forgiving enough to allow for a few such missteps. In order to keep those missteps fewer and fewer, I wrote this article for myself. I plan to read it every time I’m irritated with anyone, and especially when I know I’m “right.” 

How often are you disgusted, or at least irritated, with someone’s behavior, or lack of behavior? Here are some sure-fire ways to remain irritated:

• Continue to list in your mind the many ways they are wrong; 
• Repeat this list over and over to yourself until it is memorized;
• List the number of times you’ve been right in the past and they haven’t appreciated it;
• Tell your friend or partner about this and watch him/her become upset on your behalf;
• Wrap up this thinking in a big red bow by concluding that this irritating person displays unique forms of stupidity that you haven’t encountered ever before;
• Take the package of your thoughts with the big red bow and present it in a step by step fashion to the person you are irritated with;
• Shake well, bake at 350 degrees and stand back, because things are about to heat up.

With practice, you can catch yourself when you are at the top of the above list, before you proceed to the burning argument step. Here are some quick ways to repair your thinking. You’ll need to repair your thinking process before you can ever expect your relationship, or your influence, to grow:

• Realize, first of all, whenever you label someone with an unkind word, you do so primarily because you are immersed in self-pity. This moment of negativity has little to do with them, and is motivated only by the powerful pity party you have launched. “Why are they being such jerks,” you think, “if only they appreciated my brilliance, not only would they be wildly successful, I’d be happier too.”
• Hear them out. If you can’t think of the reasons behind their behavior, ask for them. You’ll be surprised to discover, if you listen, that they are actually not insane.
• Whenever possible, rather than debating immediately, sleep on what they tell you. You’ll discover the next day that parts of their approach do make sense. And, here’s a gift—you may learn something.
• If certain elements of their thinking or behavior must change, be sure to mention what you recognize and appreciate in their current approach before you challenge other parts.
• This isn't about being "nice." This is about maintaining your ability to learn, stay open-minded, and be influential. 

If you have other ideas or methods that help you keep your head, think clearly, and learn from others, I’d enjoy hearing about them.